PMS, Training and Your Period. EWWW!!!

***WARNING*** If you are a man, this post may make you extremely uncomfortable, squirm in your seat, and have a sudden urge to check into the Holiday Inn for a week.

The following is an actual exchange between me and the voice in my head (me):

[Sitting in the parking lot of the pool, car engine off]

"You really don't want to go in there."

"I know, but..."

"You're tired, and crampy, plus you already rode the bike this morning."

"But I drove all the way here."

"It doesn't matter. Just go to the mall. You can have lunch. You don't feel well."

"I'm getting out of the car."

"You could be at Panera in ten minutes"

"I'm getting out of the car." [Out loud] "GET OUT OF THE CAR!"

I don't know about you but I have these conversations quite frequently. Most often at 5:15am when I *really* don't want to get out of bed. But this one was targeting me right where I live, every month, with PMS.

I love being a girl. I wouldn't change that for the world. It's cool to be a chick. Our bodies are so special. We get to make babies, have all these extra sexy parts, and wear lipstick. When it comes to training, however, there is that monthly drawback - the dreaded period.

I've read articles and books about women and triathlon. They discuss training while on the Pill and the effects of low body fat and missed periods. Pretty good stuff. But no where did I read about the monthly effect PMS and your period can have on your training plan, or God forbid, race day. I mean who wants to swim, bike and run 70.3 miles with a tampon? Ewwww! Gross! (See guys, I told ya).

Even though I'm done having kids (thank you, Dr. A.) I still need the old uterus. It's a part of my body that I know contributes to making me feel pretty, a highly desireable state. I wear lipstick to work out and even race! The uterus is a marvelous organ of muscle, so skilled at cradling our babies for nine months, then working diligently to expel the little bundles from our bodies. It's disgusting. I mean beautiful! Yeah, that's it. I have a theory that if pregnant women in labor were treated like athletes, instead of sick people, they would feel less afraid and empowered. But that is a topic for another post.

Waking up slightly nauseous, with a lower backache and cramps is enough to derail the best laid training plan. You all know what I mean. And a bad mood? I get one. The claws and fangs come out. My loved ones know to hide from me, poor things.

Here's the good news. I thought about it and decided that even though I had all those symptoms I really WAS well enough to work out. I wasn't injured in any way. I was still as strong as the day before. My muscles were still fueled with the good protein, carbohydrates and fats I gave them. I was as ready as any other day to train. The monthly cycle changes my brain chemistry for a brief period, a cruel trick that tries to rob me of the desire to do what I love. I won't allow that to happen. Curling up with a hot water bottle might make me feel better temporarily, but it won't make me any stronger or faster for race day. I silence the voices with the promise that I'll pamper myself AFTER training, and then I get to work.

Body Parts: The Meeting

Week 3 of Triathlon Training Season

Brain: O.k. everyone, let’s get the meeting started. We have several issues to discuss. She’s starting to get real organized with her training now that it’s Spring. The International Distance tri is only 9 weeks away. You guys have been great pulling together – she appreciates that. Let’s start with the hungry issue. Stomach? Can you please report?

Stomach: Oh man, you guys, you have no idea. I’m rumbling, like, ALL the time. SO hungry! She eats her stupid little snack bars, and gels, but I can’t keep anything in me. I’m getting killed here!

Mouth: Remember the pasta for breakfast? Mac and cheese at 9am. Mmmmm.

Stomach: Oh yeah, that was awesome. With cinnamon raisin oatmeal for dessert.

Legs: Yeah dude! Set us up but good for yesterday’s 4 miler. We kicked it.

Nose: And did you smell those burgers when we ran past RiRa’s?

Feet: We almost stopped in our tracks!

Brain: I know. I hit override. She didn’t have any money. All right. I think I know where this is heading. Metabolism?

Metabolism: Yes Brain. I’m just doing my job here. Burning calories like mad in response to all this training. Swimming, biking, running – it takes it’s toll on me, ya know? She’s gotta eat!

Brain: It’s all good. We know you burn the fuel. But you need to make a switch, start burning some of the fat. She got that new scale, you know.

Eyes: Oh my God did you see that? It is so slick. Tells you the weight, fat percentage and water percentage. Rocks.

Body Fat: Hey, hold on there a minute! What’re you saying Brain?

Brain: You know what I’m saying. You need to let go, BF.

Body Fat: What? Us? Do you see those curves, man? We bring sexy back! And what about keeping her warm?

Brain: She wears a hat.

Body Fat: I mean, what about the floating? She can float in the pool like nobody’s business. You need us!

Lungs: Hey, we have a little bit to do with that floating business.

Body Fat: Shut. Up!

Brain: I know. Don’t get me wrong. But you need to shrink up. Not one of your little cells will be gone. Only liposuction can do that.

Body Fat: DON’T say it! DON’T say that word! It’s murder!

Brain: Settle down. You see, when she got that new scale, well, you kind of came into focus. She doesn’t care about the weight number any more. Just you.

Body Fat: You’re killing me here!

Brain: We don’t want to eliminate you. Just reduce by a few pounds. You’ll feel so much better, I promise.

Legs: And we’ll be faster! No more hauling around all that junk in the trunk!

Butt: Hey!

Legs: Butt, you so sexy, mwah!

Butt: Cut it out.

Brain: O.k. Here’s the deal. Metabolism, you need to focus on burning some of the existing body fat during the workouts.

Metabolism: But I’m programmed to preserve that! It’s for emergencies only!

Brain: Contrary to popular belief, the famine is NOT coming. She can live without some of it, I promise.

Metabolism: Oh…I don’t know…

Brain: Trust me. It will be fine. And don’t worry, we’re still going to keep the food coming.

Stomach: Hurray! I thought you forgot about me.

Brain: Don’t be silly. We’re not going to starve her, just change it up.

Mouth: Can we have a steak? I can’t stop thinking about it. Steak, potatoes and peas. Oh my. It’s making me crazy.

Brain: I’ll work on that. Send her shopping. Steak on the grill, mashed potatoes, peas, you name it. Whatever you want.

Mouth: Dude, I’ll be your best friend.

Brain: Sweet. Body Fat, it will be o.k. We’re just going to trim her up, get faster and stronger. Winter is over and it’s time to stop being so lazy.

Body Fat: Lazy is what I do best!

Brain: I know. That’s why I’m in charge. O.k., thanks everyone. Great job heading for goal this week. We’ve got 4 hours down and 4 to do. Swim today and then 10k tomorrow!

Legs: Yeehaw!

Brain: Back to work!