Woman vs. Mountain (Of Fears)

Let me start out by pointing out the positive. The training is going great. I run bike or swim almost everyday and even participated in the first race of the season, the Sea Dogs Mother's Day 5K. It was a blast!

The other day I had a conversation with my physical fitness-minded sister. She asked, "what's your motivation to race?" "Why are you doing it?" One reason is that if I do not have a fixed goal I will not get out of bed. Exercising for my appearance or general good health isn't enough to push myself. I'm inherently lazy. As I've discussed in past posts I'm the queen of procrastination and manufacturing excuses to remain immobile. I purposely entered in the two tris, Mooseman and Pumpkinman, in a strategy to get me moving early in the season and keep me there all summer.

The second reason makes me uncomfortable, and causes me to squirm in my seat a little. While I do love to train and race, doing the actual racing scares me. A lot. For example, Mooseman is 11 days away and if I think about it for more than a few minutes I can work myself up something fierce. Why is it scary? It shouldn't be. It's exciting and tons of fun. Only I can't get to the fun feeling until I'm rounding the first buoy. Standing on the beach in a sea of wetsuits and brightly colored caps my heart pounds and I'm ready to flee. I get angry at myself for feeling that way, especially when I've worked so hard. The only way for me to fight back is to dive in when the gun goes off and start swimming.

Anxiety, the needless worry kind, is a part of my life. I pretty much hate it. My way of fighting back is to do anything that makes me afraid (except rollerblading) and finish. Whether it's getting in the open water, or riding up a steep hill, I say "I tri, I finish" until I cross under the finish banner. So far I haven't conquered the fear, because I keep feeling it at every race start. But I'm going to keep racing until I don't, and hopefully that will lead me to a lifetime of training and, subsequently, fitness.